Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Randomize
