if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
