Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
