we have officially lost it.
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
