There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
