hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
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