At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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