I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
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