she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
