I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
