Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
