Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Randomize
