as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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