i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
