I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Dignity is for republicans.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
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