I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
