can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Randomize
