I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
