She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
i think my cat just said my name.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Panties = found
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
