Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
