so that wasnt chicken after all
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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