fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Randomize
