Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
