Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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