I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
