First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
