Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
