my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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