Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
