The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
