All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
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I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
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AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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