Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I stole a fireplace last night.
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Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
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Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
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