I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
