This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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