don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Randomize
