Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
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We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
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I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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