I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
