FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
