you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
