yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
this just has baby written all over it
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
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