I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
