Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
