Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
