just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
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