when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
