If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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