nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Ketchup is God's man juice
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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