I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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