He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
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