Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
My pussy is not your playground.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
