I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
