Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
