Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
