With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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