so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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